It’s gotten really difficult.

It’s been 50 days now.

I thought I knew “hanger” before but now it’s reached a whole new level. I spent most of yesterday wondering if this path is going to lead to me starving to death. Emotionally, I have become a bit of a wreck. I’m really not happy. I’m trying to keep life as normal as possible, but it’s not. Reality is, my husband and I just spent a completely not ideal amount of our paychecks on medial expenses this go around.

Do I have a diagnosis or the biopsy results yet? No.

I got off the phone a little bit ago with the nurse at the GI specialist’s office trying to get my follow-up appointment moved up. She couldn’t help me and she could only get me on a waiting list. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I’m trying to advocate for myself and I still can’t get an answer.

Yesterday, I wrote a song about what life is like right now. It’s kind of a downer, but it is real life. I’m going crazy because nothing is making any sense and I’m hungry and grieving the life I used to live.

I want to go to Olive Garden and eat pasta or soup. I want Mexican. I want Chipotle. I want drunken noodles. Who knows if I can have any of that again without issues.

It’s an actual depressing time, but so much of my human experience has been finding joy in food. Most recently, I’ve been interested in developing recipes. I just got a wedding registry full of items for my kitchen, and I’m dying to get back in there…

 

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